Preparations for trip to USA

The preparations to go to the USA are exhausting, particularly as Mary feels that everything should be spotless. I have just finished dusting the cavity wall and am about to use "SILLIT BANG" (Christ, I hate adverts that shout at me!) on the inside of the well.

"Stupid is as stupid does" as Forest Gumps mum use to say. I reached an all time low yesterday. I went into the Mall ( see no sense) to get a Camisole for Mary. This would have been O.K. if I had the faintest idea what a Camisole was. Also she wanted a new phone, her old one was dusty. Anyway I got to the M&S door at the east end of the Mall and thought "I wonder if she put in the receipt in the bag" then I thought bollocks! I have left the phone in the car!
When I returned I sat on one of the Ottomans on show and checked if the receipt was in the phone box, it wasn't! Anyway the nice young man with spots said "It was no problem" and changed it anyway.
The camisole was a different thing altogether..... The very inscrutable Chinese lady in John Lewis, described what a camisole was by drawing it. I asked "How long was it" as her drawing was a bit truncated. She placed her hand just above her waist and said "This wong!" "That wong but she will catch a cold in her bare necessities" I wittily responded. Not a flicker, totally inscrutable, she just stared at me. "I will get you one from the stock room, what size is she?" "Size 14" I said instantly, having written it on the back of my hand when Mary first told me. "We only have size 12 and size 16" She smiled a cruel smile when she said that knowing that I would be now be completely buggered.
"I will take both" I answered smugly and added under my breath "Just remembered what happened at Hiroshima when you first tried to piss us about"
As it turned out they only had a 12 so I took that.

Back to the car or so I thought. E9 that's where its parked so to E9 is where I went. An hour and a half I scoured that bloody car park to no avail. Now I know a T reg Toyota Corolla in dark green is not the first choice of Joy Riders but I was beginning to suspect that somebody was desperate enough to take it.
It started to get dark and rain so I went back to M&S and alerted security, when I said I alerted security I meant I told four foot six twelve year old with Acne about my plight. I can still see the pitying look in his eyes now. "Just a moment sir"He said gently, "I will get someone to come and take down your details.
After about fifteen minutes another midget who was also black came and sat me down, then asked me to mentally retrace my steps. Well I think that's what he asked me because he had a very strong Jamaican accent, not helped by his Walkie Talkie jabbering away all the time. At one stage I thought I might have to Rap my details. Finally he got the gist and set off in the gathering doom and rain to find my car.
Incidentally I had rung Marys mobile twice to tell her of my sorry plight only to be told when she replied on the land line, that as I had her mobile in my bag as I had just exchanged it, she would have difficulty answering it!!!! She also spoke to Peter, who was driving to a conference and told him of his fathers dilemma. His only response was "Its not stolen, Dad cant remember where he left it and I am going to ring The Severn Beach Home for the Elderly and Confused and see if they can bring the reservation forward!
Hoorah Jamacian Joe found my car. It was not anywhere near E9 but E13, "Someone must have moved it" I said sheepishly. I thanked J.J. for his troubles. He said "Yo" and set off in the gloom confident that the world was safe in his hands.

The good news is, Mary was flattered that I got a smaller size and it fitted.