Journey to Heathrow went fairly smoothly apart from a slight delay at Bracknell, due to an accident. Used my new PDA with TomTom to direct us, which Mary felt was probably unnecessary as we had made the same journey at least 25 times before.

Q Park (The car park that was exposed on a TV programme)driver was from The Lebanon and was very chatty. He told us we could now be picked up from terminal 3 and not have to make the long trek to Terminal 2. So far so good.

Huge queues at American Airways check in. Lots of tall youths shouting at us to "Keep moving, fill the gaps, don't take liquids on board, make sure your hand luggage is of the right size, don't look directly into our eyes unless you want to be singled out and shot.. (I may have been exaggerating the last phrase, but it seemed like that!) The queue was at least quarter of a mile long with four flights all trying to leave together. We eventually got to the check in desk having made lifelong friends and enemies in the queue.

I watched with trepidation as we loaded four huge suitcases on to the scales one by one. I never look at what the scale is reading only the clerks face as I can tell by the movement of the eyebrows exactly how much over weight each case is.

Another massive queue at security, why is it I always pick the slowest line and am reminded of this continuously by Mary. Rang the buzzer again and was rewarded by an intimate grope by a camp gentleman who obviously loved his job.
Mary disappears into "Duty free heaven" with that look in her eyes and I settle down to try and read the newspapers.

Boarded on time, seats mid aircraft in group of four. A tad more leg room than Virgin but uglier stewardesses.

Eight hours and forty minutes later landed O'Hare airport, Chicago, on time with two hours to make the transfer.........easy!
Plane cant dock as another aircraft has broken down and has to be shoved out of the way. Now one and a quarter hours to make transfer....mmmmm
Huge queue at immigration, absolutely no chance of getting through in time. Indian lady, who has a flight earlier than us, injects panic into some of queue with phrases like "Ill never make it", and like.
Decide to jump the queue and duck under all the barriers making lots of friends as we go.
Get to front and wait while a black guy at immigration desk explains why he is entering the country illegally, Bloody hells teeth!. Jump to another desk again meeting some nice people in the process. Pray that Marys fingerprints register as they didn't last time, they do, run to baggage.

Baggage pick up takes ages as we cannot identify ours and they go round at least twice. Grab baggage and charge through customs.
Drop baggage off for transfer in a chaotic area, which we hope is the right place as nobody seems to know.
Through security again having to jump to front with the Indian lady leading, (My technique is to cower behind Mary who is running interference and let the Indian lady do all the talking.)15 minutes to go.

I get through security, Mary is having a debate about the gin she bought in duty free. She cannot take it through unless it is in her suitcase and not hand luggage. Hells teeth, I tell her to leave it. The smug clerk pulls out a nearly full case from under the counter and drops the bottle in and then starts to tell a gentleman behind us that he cant take that expensive bottle of whiskey onto the aircraft.......

Marys bag does not come out of the X ray machine. Mary crawls into the X ray machine and rescues it,joins me at a run with a faint tan.

Look for H14, it is the farthest lounge away, now out of time and still at least half the airport to cover. Run like hell and reach H14 which says on the flight board "Flight to Honolulu's" What! "No sir the flight has been transferred to H17 and that is farther up the corridor" says a attendant. Nobody at H17, finally a blond lady tells us that the flight has been delayed for one hour!
Mary chats up a handsome flight attendant and borrows his cell phone to talk to James.
Board aircraft and listen to the safety speech which is delivered in a nasal twang and at the speed of sound.
Five hours later arrive at San Jose, miraculously luggage and James there to meet us.
Welcome to America.

Preparations for trip to USA

The preparations to go to the USA are exhausting, particularly as Mary feels that everything should be spotless. I have just finished dusting the cavity wall and am about to use "SILLIT BANG" (Christ, I hate adverts that shout at me!) on the inside of the well.

"Stupid is as stupid does" as Forest Gumps mum use to say. I reached an all time low yesterday. I went into the Mall ( see no sense) to get a Camisole for Mary. This would have been O.K. if I had the faintest idea what a Camisole was. Also she wanted a new phone, her old one was dusty. Anyway I got to the M&S door at the east end of the Mall and thought "I wonder if she put in the receipt in the bag" then I thought bollocks! I have left the phone in the car!
When I returned I sat on one of the Ottomans on show and checked if the receipt was in the phone box, it wasn't! Anyway the nice young man with spots said "It was no problem" and changed it anyway.
The camisole was a different thing altogether..... The very inscrutable Chinese lady in John Lewis, described what a camisole was by drawing it. I asked "How long was it" as her drawing was a bit truncated. She placed her hand just above her waist and said "This wong!" "That wong but she will catch a cold in her bare necessities" I wittily responded. Not a flicker, totally inscrutable, she just stared at me. "I will get you one from the stock room, what size is she?" "Size 14" I said instantly, having written it on the back of my hand when Mary first told me. "We only have size 12 and size 16" She smiled a cruel smile when she said that knowing that I would be now be completely buggered.
"I will take both" I answered smugly and added under my breath "Just remembered what happened at Hiroshima when you first tried to piss us about"
As it turned out they only had a 12 so I took that.

Back to the car or so I thought. E9 that's where its parked so to E9 is where I went. An hour and a half I scoured that bloody car park to no avail. Now I know a T reg Toyota Corolla in dark green is not the first choice of Joy Riders but I was beginning to suspect that somebody was desperate enough to take it.
It started to get dark and rain so I went back to M&S and alerted security, when I said I alerted security I meant I told four foot six twelve year old with Acne about my plight. I can still see the pitying look in his eyes now. "Just a moment sir"He said gently, "I will get someone to come and take down your details.
After about fifteen minutes another midget who was also black came and sat me down, then asked me to mentally retrace my steps. Well I think that's what he asked me because he had a very strong Jamaican accent, not helped by his Walkie Talkie jabbering away all the time. At one stage I thought I might have to Rap my details. Finally he got the gist and set off in the gathering doom and rain to find my car.
Incidentally I had rung Marys mobile twice to tell her of my sorry plight only to be told when she replied on the land line, that as I had her mobile in my bag as I had just exchanged it, she would have difficulty answering it!!!! She also spoke to Peter, who was driving to a conference and told him of his fathers dilemma. His only response was "Its not stolen, Dad cant remember where he left it and I am going to ring The Severn Beach Home for the Elderly and Confused and see if they can bring the reservation forward!
Hoorah Jamacian Joe found my car. It was not anywhere near E9 but E13, "Someone must have moved it" I said sheepishly. I thanked J.J. for his troubles. He said "Yo" and set off in the gloom confident that the world was safe in his hands.

The good news is, Mary was flattered that I got a smaller size and it fitted.